


driving circles around me.

by lordvoldyfarts



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 19:15:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3499799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordvoldyfarts/pseuds/lordvoldyfarts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She waits in the coffee shop that was always theirs in hopes fate might make an exception and bring her back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	driving circles around me.

Maybe it’s routine that keeps her coming to the same coffee shop.

Maybe it’s naïve hopefulness.

(No, that can’t be it. She hasn’t been hopeful about anything in years.)

An Eiffel tower necklace hangs from her neck in the same spot that it’s been since she was sixteen.

It’s a locket – it opens but she hasn’t had the courage to pry it apart since just after graduation. She knows what kind of demons lurk inside the closed, gold walls of it and she’s not eager to let them out any time soon. Not again.

Long, lithe fingers rise up and drag across the ridges of the locket. It’s been years and it still aches every time she touches it. Maybe that’s why she’s never gotten the courage to take it off. It might weigh heavy against her chest but it’s a weight she’s willing to bear because she doesn’t know what it’s like to be without it. To exist without the constant ache in her chest, the constant feeling that she’s _missing_ something. Not anymore.

So she sits in front of the window, a croissant and a latte in front of her, watching the people pass the big window and she wonders what she’s really looking for.

(And she knows – she does, she just also knows how goddamn pathetic it is to still be searching for her face after all these years.)

She never finishes her croissant and she leaves her lipstick marks on the white coffee cups, never bothering to put them into the containers where they belong. She stays until 10:15. Their time.

She never shows up and really, Lexa is never surprised. It’s not like she’s ever invited her. It would have to be some strange twist of fate that would land her in the same coffee shop on the same day at the same time.

And maybe Lexa is hoping for fate to work in her favor, just this once.

It’s January and there’s goosebumps on the bare skin of her exposed leg. She doesn’t go into work until noon so she is, as usual, spending her morning in the coffee shop. Her latte sits mostly untouched on the table in front of her, along with a few pages worth of contracts she’s meant to be looking over but she can’t quite bring herself to look at. Her fingers are playing with the locket and her foot is tapping against the floor along with the beat of the simple violin music playing through the shop.

She’s twenty three years old and she’s been doing this for too long. Waiting for someone she knows will never come back. She knows she has to stop. And stopping starts with leaving this coffee shop and never coming back because this place has never been _hers_ ; it was always _theirs_. And when she sits in the chair that she always sat in across from her, she can pretend that it still is.

And maybe when she leaves, she’ll put the necklace on the chair and finally, finally, slip out from beneath the anchor that is Clarke Griffin.

Maybe today she’ll finally be strong enough to do it.

But probably not.

It’s 10:13 and she should probably leave soon. The shop is on the complete other side of town as the building she works in so it takes nearly an hour and a half to get to it and Lexa is never late. She turns her head away from the window, just for a moment, to take a sip of her cold latte. The door opens, causing the bell to ring. Normally, Lexa doesn’t look. She’s used to hearing it, signaling the entering and exiting of customers but this time she does. This time she looks up. And heart jumps into her throat.

She only sees the back of her head and it’s possible that it’s not her because Lexa hasn’t seen her since they were eighteen and for all she knows, she could be a brunette by now, but there’s something about the tugging in her chest and the way her fingers reach out with desire that tells her that her gut is right. Clarke is here. In their coffee shop. At 10:15. Their time.

And for all the hoping that she’s done for years that Clarke might walk in one day, she’s not at all sure what to do now that she actually _has_.

She stares despite everything in her that’s telling her she should look away, look down, pretend that she never even saw her.

But it’s Clarke. And she’d never been able to take her eyes off of her before. Even though it’s been years, there are some things that don’t ever change.

Her knees are shaking and her heartrate is quickening and it registers to her that she’s nervous that Clarke might see her. She’s nervous that she might not. She’s not sure which would be worse.

Just then, as if she _senses_ her, Clarke turns around. Their eyes meet and everything around seems to fall away. There is no coffee shop. There is no ice cold latte in front of her. There are no chairs or tables or people. There is only them. Clarke looks surprised and Lexa isn’t sure if she’s supposed to smile or if she’s supposed to look away and pretend as if she’d never seen her. She knows she couldn’t do that. She won’t be the first one to break. Not this time.

Their eye contact only breaks when the barista calls Clarke’s name and she’s forced to look away. Lexa wonders what she might do – if she’s just going to walk out (and it’s not like Lexa won’t deserve that, because she does, but it’s not she wants) and Lexa wonders if she would let her.

Not this time.

But she doesn’t walk out. With a coffee in a to go cup in her hands, Clarke walks up to the table where Lexa is sitting. Lexa wonders if her order is still the same. Clarke’s smile doesn’t reach her eyes but it’s something. “Hi.” She says softly and hearing her voice feels both like a punch to the gut and like coming home. Maybe that’s just love.

“Hi.” Lexa responds and for the life of her, she can’t think of what to say next. There are a million things racing through her head. A million questions she wants to ask. How are you? Where have you been? Do you ever miss me? But she can’t bring herself to open her mouth and say any of them. Clarke gestures down to the open seat across from Lexa.

“May I?” Lexa nods.

“Please.” Clarke pulls the chair out and sits. They’re silent again for a few more moments and Clarke is looking anywhere but directly at Lexa. Finally, Clarke speaks,

“I didn’t know if you still lived here.” She says, finally bringing her eyes back up to Lexa. She nods, fighting the urge to bring her fingers up to the necklace. Doing so would draw Clarke’s attention right to it and that’s not at all what she wants.

“It’s home.” Lexa responds. “I could never bring myself to leave.” And that’s only half of the truth. This place, this city, is as close to home as she’s gotten since she let Clarke walk away from her. _Clarke_ was home. Without her, well, she had to make do. Clarke laughs and it’s bitter, so bitter it shocks Lexa.

“Right.” She mutters, looking down at the cup in her hands. Lexa’s eyes follow the same path. Her eyes rest on Clarke’s hands. There, glistening from the light reflecting through the window, on her left hand is a ring. The diamond in the middle is large and square cut. It’s extravagant and not very Clarke at all. Lexa’s stomach churns.

Her Grandmother’s ring should be on Clarke’s finger. Not this overly gaudy piece of trash. Clarke deserves better than that.

Clarke notices where Lexa’s looking and she shifts her hand so the ring is behind the cup. Lexa raises an eyebrow. “I see congratulations are in order.” She comments and maybe she shouldn’t have but she’s _bitter_ and she’s well and truly fucked up with no chance of redemption. Clarke belongs to someone else now. And Lexa had allowed that to happen. Clarke’s jaw clenches.

“Don’t.” Clarke says in a low voice. This isn’t how Lexa had imagined this might go. She had never really been sure what their first meeting after…everything would be like but this wasn’t it. She never expected Clarke to be engaged.

“You deserve happiness, Clarke. I hope whoever gave that ring gives that to you as well.” Lexa comments and that she does mean. Lexa wants Clarke to be happy. In an ideal world, she would be happy with her but she’d ruined that a long time ago.

“He does.” She replies but she doesn’t look Lexa in the eye when she says it. She doesn’t believe her but it’s not her place to question her answer. Not anymore.

“Good. I’m happy for you then.” Lexa comment and she figures this is where the conversation ends. This is where Clarke gets up and leaves. Walks away. But she doesn’t. She looks up. Her eyes are shining.

“Are you really?” Clarke asks and that’s a loaded question and she’s certain that Clarke knows that.

Lexa stares down at her. “Do you really want me to answer that, Clarke?” And Clarke shakes her head.

“No. I guess I don’t.” She responds quietly, still looking down at her hands. They go quiet for a moment. Lexa doesn’t know what else to say. She knows that if she opens her mouth the only thing that’s going to come out it, “I still love you, I’ve never stopped, don’t marry him, come back to me.” And that’s not who she is. She’s never been one to beg for anything or anybody. But she’d also never been one to fall in love and stay in love. Even after her love had walked away. At least not before Clarke. Her fingers had subconsciously wandered back up to the necklace and Clarke’s eyes drift to watch Lexa’s fingers. Her eyes go wide for a moment and her eyebrows furrow. Lexa notices where she’s looking and she blushes. She wraps a fist around the necklace, covering it so Clarke can’t see. “You kept it.” She whispers and there’s no way around answering that. She nods.

“With you always.” Lexa murmurs, the words bringing her back to age sixteen when she and Clarke would lie in Clarke’s backyard and watch the stars. “I kept it so that it would always be true.” She continues, finally meeting Clarke’s eyes which, as they always have, say everything. Clarke looks up, obviously willing the tears not to fall from her eyes. It’s something Lexa’s seen her do quite a few times. She wants to reach out, put a hand on her arm, comfort her in some way, but she won’t. She fears how she may melt if she touches Clarke again. And then Clarke shakes her head.

“No. You don’t get to do this. It’s been years, Lexa. You broke up with _me_ , in case you forgot.” Clarke snaps and Lexa inhales.

“I remember, Clarke.” She mutters in reply. “But I did what I had to do.” She continues and Clarke leans her head back. “I’m glad you moved on.” Lexa finishes and that’s the biggest lie she’s told all morning. Clarke bites down her lip, bringing her head forward to meet Lexa’s eyes again.

“Did you?” She asks and Lexa can’t hold her gaze. She can’t look into her eyes and lie to her. She tightens her grip on the necklace and momentarily she wonders, does she have to lie? She’s wanted this for years. She’s wanted Clarke in front of her so she could try and get her back since the moment she let her walk away. She’d never let herself have anything. She’d forced Clarke away from her the first time and for once, she speaks with heart instead of her head,

“Move on from you? That’s not possible, Clarke.” She responds. Clarke narrows her eyes. She shakes her head.

“I can’t believe you.” Clarke murmurs. Lexa won’t back down now but it appears that Clarke is going to. She moves to stand. “I can’t do this. I can’t have this conversation. I’m getting married. That’s the end of it. You had your chance, Lexa, and you threw it away.” Clarke says and she gives Lexa one last glare before she starts to walk away.

And Lexa lets her.

She’s frozen in her spot for a few moments until she realizes that _this_ is her chance. She can’t let Clarke slip away again. So she abandons her things on the table and she stands, chasing after Clarke. She isn’t sure what direction she’s headed so she stands on the tips of her toes to find a blonde head. She spots one to her left.

She doesn’t bother with politeness. She pushes through people and goes against the flow of foot traffic, shouting Clarke’s name. Lexa walks as quickly as she can, following the movement of the top of Clarke’s head.

Finally, she’s just within reach. Her hand is swaying next to her hips and Lexa reaches out to grab it. “Clarke.” She says, just a little bit out of breath. Clarke turns, surprised. Her eyes are wide and her jaw is hanging open just slightly.

“What, Lexa?” She asks and Lexa takes another step closer to her.

“I let you walk away once, Clarke. I can’t fathom the thought of doing it again.” Lexa’s eyes flit down to Clarke’s lips. “If you give me another chance, I can prove to you that I’m the right one.” She continues and she watches Clarke swallow hard. She doesn’t move away from her. Lexa brings a hand up to lightly graze Clarke’s cheek, snaking it around and into her hair. She leans in. She rests her forehead against Clarke’s. “So what do you say?” Lexa asks and Clarke shakes her head. For a moment, Lexa’s stomach drops. She fears that Clarke is going to step away from her and tell her to fuck off. Instead, she leans up and kisses her.

It’s like everything in the world has realigned and fallen back into place. With Clarke’s lips against her own, Lexa’s finally home again.

Nothing else exists.

Except for that beeping noise.

-

Lexa rolls over and slides her finger across her phone, clicking her alarm off.

Another night, another dream where she finally had Clarke back in her arms. Another morning waking up in a cold bed, alone. Another morning of feeling empty, drinking coffee and crossing her fingers that one day, that dream might become reality.

Or that one day, she’ll really find the courage to let go.

Her fingers drift to the necklace. She twists it around a few times and she closes her eyes. “With you always.” She whispers to herself.

She hopes that wherever Clarke is, she might hear her.


End file.
